Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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