we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
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