So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
