I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
