i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
