I cockslap morals
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
