He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i will never coherently bang her
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
