Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
