I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
