I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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