did you get engaged???
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
