we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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