I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize