I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
