I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
