i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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