When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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