my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
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