I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
