Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
