He disabled his match.com account in front of me
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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