Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
