I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
