i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
