i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
