he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
