I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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