I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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