Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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