oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You took a bar mat shot.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
