Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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