you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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