I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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