Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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