So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize