I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
