By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
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