Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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