you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
