I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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