just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
