We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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