I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
