no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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