She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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