Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
