every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
