I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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