Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
