On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
