maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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