we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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