Did you just see the Batmobile???
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
