My friends, they love my intelligence
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
