The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I didn't notice because vodka
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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