I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
