Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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