There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
