What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
