dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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