I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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