Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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