im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize