Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
