i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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