The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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