I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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